As I sit to write this post, it is fitting that I am wrapped in a sweater that once belonged to my dad. This sweater, still intact despite holes in each elbow, was worn by my dad on many occasions over the years. I’m sure my siblings know exactly what sweater I am referring to, without the need for a photo. This will be the first Christmas without my dad, the second without my brother and the 27th year without my mom.
During this season of Christmas, it is a time when many people feel a swelling within the heart. This swelling – this expansion of energy within the heart center – can cause us to experience many things on an emotional level. Greater love, greater joy, greater hope, greater unity, are just some of the examples. When we give ourselves the time and space for the free-flowing of these emotions, they can truly liberate us and allow us to experience the truth of who we are at the deepest level…LOVE.
There are also emotions that can bubble below the surface, that I believe are just as important to acknowledge. They are part of our human nature and are also feelings that can connect us back to love. These feelings -often heightened during this season of family, friends and togetherness- are all too often suppressed for the sake of that “holly, jolly Christmas.”
These are the feelings of grief, sadness and loneliness that may arise when we think about our loved ones who are no longer here with us to celebrate the season. Whether this is our first Christmas without them, or whether many years have passed, the space that their loss creates will always be felt. And rightly so. For when we accept that we are still missing them, still grieving them, still loving them, we are simultaneously acknowledging and honoring them for the integral role they played in our lives.
I am not advocating spending endless hours focusing on the loss we are feeling (though for some this is a necessary and important part of their grief process – especially in the beginning stages). I am sure our loved ones don’t want us to be swallowed up in the grief of missing them. Instead they want us to feel joy and to indulge in the life-affirming traditions of the season.
What I am advocating is simply acknowledging these painful emotions when they arise, and allowing them to flow through us without guilt over how we “should be feeling” during this season. And perhaps when we can bear witness to these feelings, we allow another to feel safe in doing the same.
My belief, that our loved ones are never truly gone – just with us in a different form – is comforting to me at the core level. I know in my heart, that their love lives on and continues to touch us, to nurture us, to guide us with every passing holiday and every passing year.
Does this mean I still don’t yearn to see their face again, to feel the warmth of their hug or to hear their soul-stirring laugh? Of course not. Thankfully though, I have many reminders of their continued presence. Each season, each holiday, stirs up different memories that I cherish. Every time I wrap my Christmas presents, I am reminded of my mother’s beautiful hands doing the same thing. The way she wrapped presents, was an art form (one I haven’t quite mastered). Every time I see a niece or nephew eagerly attacking a scratch ticket or hear the Burl Ives version of “Holly Jolly Christmas” I am reminded of my brother. And when I indulge in Christmas chocolates or sit wrapped in this well-worn argyle sweater, I am reminded of my dad.
I am grateful for the love of these beautiful souls. I miss them terribly, and I acknowledge that this time of year can be rough. I honor them by committing to do my best to keep my heart wide open and to continue to love through the grief and sadness.
My prayer is for you to feel the comforting presence of your loved ones and know that they are never truly gone. Their love lives on in you. I pray that you can allow the painful feelings to move through you and leave space for an even deeper level of love to reside within your heart. May this tide of love that you feel, ignite the same love within every person you encounter. Blessings and Merry Christmas to all.