“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” This is one of my absolute favorite song lyrics (from the song “Closing Time” by Semisonic). I find it brilliant, in fact. Such a simple line, but one that holds truth and for me describes the current phase in my life.
The ending I’m describing was finalized before a judge, in a courtroom of strangers- with a raising of my right hand and an oath to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” The “beginning” of this ending was pronounced by a priest, in a church and in the presence of family and friends. Have you guessed? Divorce…it’s one of those words that conjures up a slew of negativity and can place a label on a person that often isn’t a favorable one.
Divorce has earned a bad reputation, and understandably so. There’s a very good reason why society at large often views this event as negative…feuding between the divorcing parties, oftentimes long, painful legal battles, financial strain and burden that goes along with it, as well as the ramifications (emotional and other) for any children in the mix. I believe there’s another underlying, subtle – yet potent- reason for the negative view. It’s called failure (with a capital “f”).
It’s true. When we cut to the chase, divorce equates to failure…the failure to keep a vow that was supposed to be “until death do us part.” That vow doesn’t include a clause or fine print stating “or until the death of the connection within the marriage itself.”
But what if that connection, those shared interests and beliefs that once brought two people together have altered and changed so drastically that it’s hard to find the commonality anymore? What if the reasons that first brought two people together are a distant memory? Is it the best choice to remain? Some people would say yes. Some people would view it as a black and white issue. Some people would say that marriage is a sacred vow, that only God can break. Some people would say that if two people are even contemplating divorce, they should first take steps to do everything possible to avoid it, especially if there are children.
Those people have an absolute right to their opinion and I in no way, dismiss those beliefs. In fact, I agree that two people should do everything possible to first try and work out their differences and remain together, especially if there are children (the exception being if there is any kind of abuse involved). My opinion changes, however, if there are dynamics within the marriage itself, that are causing a constriction to one’s soul, a stifling to one’s heart and a stagnation of one’s personal growth.
I believe that marriage can be a beautiful commitment and a mutually satisfying, love-infused relationship between two individuals. Most marriages are formed on this basis, but somewhere along the way the foundation crumbles and 41% of first marriages end in divorce. What is it that keeps a marriage intact? Again, the answers are as unique as the marriage itself.
My theory, and what I have come to believe helps to hold a marriage intact, is when a couple is able to find that “sweet spot.” That “sweet spot” occurs when each partner, feels whole and complete as an individual first, without looking to another to fulfill their needs. That “sweet spot” occurs when the sacrifices made in a marriage, do not include the sacrificing of one’s individuality, one’s passions, hopes or dreams. That “sweet spot” occurs when the partners are committed not only to the growth of the marriage, but also to their own personal growth – whatever that may mean for them.
I have witnessed beautiful examples of marriages where love has stood the test of time. I have also witnessed the opposite, where people remain in a marriage for every reason other than love. Two of the big ones (in my opinion) also begin with a “capital f” – finances and fear. Again, no judgment here. Each person’s path is unique to them, as are the reasons they have for staying in or choosing to leave a marriage.
I can only speak to my situation here. I won’t lie and say this has been a “piece of cake” for me – not by any stretch of the imagination. Choosing to change the course of my life, as well as the lives of all those involved by taking this step, was not taken lightly. It weighed heavily on me, and was a painstaking decision to make.
Today, after finding myself on the other side of this process, I would say that two of the most difficult aspects for me were 1.) making the decision itself and 2.) finding the courage to follow through with it. Fear was a giant wall that kept me locked inside. The fear of irreparably damaging the other souls involved, the fear of being able to “do it alone,” the fear of disappointing my family, the fear of finding the resources to complete the process, and the list went on and on and on.
Ultimately, it was the persistent calling of my heart and my soul, that led me to proceed and shut down the fear. It didn’t happen overnight, and there are still times when that fear rears its ugly head. But for now, I find comfort in knowing that I chose to finally listen to my heart and soul – never an easy task in a world that prides itself in following the directives of the ego mind (which is often preoccupied with staying “safe” at all cost).
I also realized quickly, that the ending of a marriage is like a death whose loss must be grieved. The loss of a dream, the loss of extended family and friends, the loss of a certain lifestyle are just a few examples that trigger this grief. The loss is very real and requires the willingness to feel the pain and work through that pain, a process with no set timetable. This is never easy, but I believe it’s the only way in which one can release the past and fully move forward on one’s path.
I am fortunate in being one of the “lucky ones” to have been able to end the marriage in an amicable way. My “ex” (still getting used to that word) and I understand the importance of remaining committed partners in parenting our daughters.
Like most people, I entered my marriage believing in the “happily ever after”- that’s ingrained in us since childhood. I still believe in “happily ever after” though I qualify it a bit. I believe that happiness is a choice and the sole responsibility of the individual. I believe it doesn’t serve anybody to be taught that some other person who enters our life, is responsible for “completing us” or “making us happy.” No way, now how. Of course, the souls who come into our lives, including a husband or wife, can add to our happiness and joy, though happiness itself remains an inside job. I further qualify my belief in “happily ever after” by adding the clause… “on most days.”
My “new beginning” has a different trajectory than I once imagined, but it will still be filled with beauty, laughter, joy, inspiration, family, friends, purpose and an appreciation of life. It will also include inevitable challenges, heartache, sorrow and struggles at times. The foundation of it all will continue to be an unwavering faith in God, and the knowing that I am always supported and loved. What more can a person ask for?