“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strange.” Yes, that’s a line from a well-known David Bowie song. Ironically, this song was playing on the radio as I waited to park for what would potentially be my last beach day of the summer. The irony in hearing this song at that moment, is that I had formulated a plan to sit on the beach and write this blog post on that very topic…change.
I believe my angels were guiding me as well due to what occurred next. The teenage parking lot attendant told me that the lot was full, and only open to those with a town beach sticker. I was disappointed and jokingly asked him if he would let it slide. He responded, “I would, but she won’t.” and pointed to the woman up ahead who was directing cars into the lot. I waited to turn my car around and was planning to tell the woman as much. To my surprise and delight, she didn’t check for a sticker and instead pointed me in the direction of another teen, who guided me to an open parking space. I’m typically an honest person, and though I had a split-second where I almost disclosed my lack of a sticker, I chose to accept this as the gift it was…a beautiful beach day, free of charge. 😊
So here I sit soaking up the sun, picture-perfect, blue-sky day. With my toes in the sand and salt air on my skin, I feel slightly more tranquil about the latest change in my life…my oldest daughter now living away at college.
I recently heard this quote and it speaks of a profound truth: “The only thing that is constant is change.” (Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher). If this is indeed truth, then why is it that so often we resist change, rather than embrace it? I’m not talking about the small, ordinary changes we face (i.e. change in the weather, change in dinner plans or traffic scenarios). Most of us accept and handle these everyday changes with relative ease. It’s those bigger changes that can truly test our strength and coping abilities and leave us with a desire to return to the comfort of familiarity. In my own life, this feeling has surfaced many times and challenged me to the core.
Over the course of the past two years alone, I have navigated through some monumental events that have brought huge changes to my life: the loss of a sibling, the loss of a parent and the finalization of a divorce. Two days ago, I faced another monumental change as I moved my daughter into her college dorm.
I realize that although each of these events, differ in scope, they all have one theme in common: loss. The loss of my brother, my dad and my marriage, all challenged me to varying degrees and caused me pain and sadness that was real and raw. What I have learned about the experience of loss, is that there is no easy way through to the other side. Each of these losses taught me that grief is a process and that accepting the pain involved – rather than avoiding, denying or burying it – is the only healthy way to handle it. Each of these losses also helped me to see that I am strong, that I am capable of handling adversity, and that I can forge ahead, no matter how steep the climb. Grief is a beast (a title of a poem of mine), and loss is inevitable. Change is inevitable too. I believe it’s the change that is “out of our control” that causes the most difficulty and the most resistance on our part.
So back to this most recent change, both “inevitable” and “out of my control” – a daughter embarking on a new chapter of her life, and a mother closing another one. Like the other changes I’ve dealt with these past two years, this one also involves a type of loss. Though subtle, this loss – namely the loss of the “kid stage” of parenting, feels just as real. This change has crept in silently over the years as one stage of childhood transitioned to the next. As much as I thought I was prepared for this latest stage, I’m realizing that this isn’t the case.
How does a parent truly prepare for this stage, the one in which we send our kids off into the big, blue yonder to make their unique mark on the world? How does a parent truly prepare for any stage our children move through? My simple answer? We don’t. We can certainly try, and most of us do. We listen to other’s stories and experiences, we share our concerns and fears, we seek out help through literature, the internet or perhaps through the advice of an expert. For me, my writing is the tool that helps me the most through the process of change. But even if we choose and apply any of these options, the reality in my experience is this: we muddle through. We muddle through and do our best, moment-by-moment and day-by-day. Like many things in this adventure called life, there is no manual and we learn as we go.
As we “muddle through”, at some point we ultimately come to realize another of life’s truths: most of the time we have no control over the outcome. This one truth may take the longest to fully accept. As a parent, we continuously face this truth while guiding our children through the various stages of their life. During this current stage, while my daughter resides under a different roof than me, this reality of “no control over outcome” is like a neon sign flashing obnoxiously. As much as I’d like to turn it off, it’s there in plain sight.
So how do I deal with this uncomfortable reality brought on by this latest change? Perhaps the first step is to release expectation. By releasing expectation, my hope is that I will gain a greater level of freedom and peace. While it’s perfectly normal and often helpful to have high hopes for our children, I believe that at some point it behooves us to surrender these hopes and dreams, trusting in the greater plan, which comes not in our timing, but in Divine timing. Intertwined with this, is an area that is crucial and one that is currently “in my face” … trust.
I know that I must fully trust, that despite my “muddling through,” I have prepared my girl to the best of my ability. I know that I must fully trust that her father and I have provided her with a firm foundation upon which she will take off and soar, reaching for her highest hopes and wildest dreams. I know that I must fully trust, that if she feels lost or afraid at any time, she knows she has a loving family she can turn to and who will support her in whatever way she needs.
I also must trust that I will get used to this new stage of parenting, as well as the change in family life her absence will cause (just writing this is making me teary-eyed). The ups and downs, the joy and pain…I will strive to “muddle through” making the very most of this challenging change.
The unwavering trust I have – and what God has shown me time and time again – is that I have what it takes to embark on this new stage of my life’s journey, and that my angels and guides are fully supporting me every step of the way.
As I finish writing this blog post, I am now sitting on my back deck, noticing the sign of another inevitable change. The sunflowers adorning my back garden are in full bloom and seem to be dancing with joy. Their appearance signals the waning days of summer and makes my heart a bit sad. Truth be told, this inevitable change is always one that I find challenging – understandably so as it also signals the end of my summer vacation and return to work tomorrow.
I won’t lie and say I “embrace” this change since summer is my season. What I will do, instead, is savor these remaining summer days, while letting go and releasing expectation for what the fall holds. Moment-by-moment, day-by-day, I will try and surrender and go with the flow. That’s a philosophy that I know will serve me and help me in fully accepting the truth…that “the only thing that is constant is change.”